10 Ways To Feel Miserable As A New Mom

Here are some surefire tips to make sure your baby’s first year is your absolute worst!

1.  Don’t Take Help from Anyone – This is your baby and your responsibility.  You may as well get used to figuring out your new life taking care of a child while maintaining a house, relationships, career, etc as soon as you can.  Allowing others to cook, clean, or tend your child while you rest will only delay the inevitable.  The father can help since it is his child as well, if he is in the picture, however you are the MOTHER – which means everyone is looking at you to handle it all flawlessly.

2.  Get Moving Right Away – The baby is out.  What are you waiting for?  There is laundry to do, girl!  Yes, you still are practically wearing a diaper yourself for a while but your abs aren’t going to just come in as naturally as your milk did…unless you start NOW.  You don’t want your baby to see you just lying around all day, do you?  After all, how will everybody know you’re super mom unless your house is sparkling?

3.  Don’t Drink Much Water (and Eat Like Crap) – You can try to get in all of the water you need to live and successfully breastfeed, but there really isn’t time all day to make sure you stay hydrated as a new mom.  The baby is your first priority.  Think “camel”!  Don’t be selfish.  Technically right after your baby is born, you can still take advantage of eating for two if you can find the time.  Especially if you’re breastfeeding, since you’ll probably burn the calories anyway.  So don’t miss out on your last chance of pigging out IF you are able.  You’ll probably only have a chance to eat a few bites all day though, so just remember…this is your new job.  You don’t matter as much as that precious baby.

4.  Listen to the Advice of Others – This one is a little iffy.  You don’t want to break Rule #1 and let anybody help you physically, or mentally really…but when it comes to the baby, others know best!  Mothers, especially first time ones, are new at this and should trust what people with experience say to do.  Their children may be different generations or personalities than yours, but hey, it worked for them!  You can’t spell “mothers” without “others”!

5.  Read Every Parenting, Sleep,  and Nursing Book That You Can – Piggybacking off of Rule #4, these authors have way more experience than you.  Their ways have worked for numerous others, and the world doesn’t need you reinventing the wheel/possibly ruining your child.  You may have feelings of “instinct” that tell you to go against certain “techniques”, but it is extremely important that you ignore those whims and go with which experts seem to yell the loudest.  Your child may have trouble falling asleep their whole life and it will all be your fault if you choose incorrectly.

6.  Work When Baby Sleeps – This is the only time you will be able to focus clearly on any work you need to do.  Life should resume its regularly scheduled programming as quickly as possible.  If you’re a working mom, try to get back to work with little delay.  Staying at home instead? Keep busy.  There is always something to clean, organize, or plan.  Perhaps you can start your own business at home ASAP so that everyone can see how well you are settling into your new role.  Sleeping is the biggest time-waster.

7.  Be Creative and Organized – Hurry up and get those birth announcements out, and the baby book will not wait either.  You also should be sure to have some really awesome ideas for newborn photos, weekly and monthly milestone photos, etc.  Facebook is an excellent way to see how well others have cataloged the milestones, thus truly enjoying/capturing every minute.  Wouldn’t you hate it if you only had memories of quality time with your children, and no cool photography or scrapbooks to prove they existed?!  That first birthday party will be here before you know it.

8.  Assess Yourself in Terms of Others – Comparing yourself with others is the best way to get a sense of how you’re doing as a mum.  Take a look at how well your sisters and friends have done.  Were they able to shower daily, plan weekly meals, or make their child sleep through the night since they were two weeks old?  Now you know that it CAN be done!  Aspire to meet those standards, or better yet – set the bar even higher so that other mothers look at YOU and want to try harder!  Again, Facebook is the best way to monitor your success.

9.  Feel Guilty About Everything – Did you have to break Rule #1 and have somebody watch the baby while you got your haircut?  Tsk, tsk.  Well, just hurry back to your child as soon as you can so that nobody thinks you are out too long.  Did you breastfeed or formula feed? Co-sleep, bassinet, or crib?  Does your baby have a pacifier?  Feel bad about it all!  You mean you’re not loving every single second of this mommyhood gig and sometimes feel like crying, screaming, or running away for a minute?! Something must be wrong with you then, so please don’t tell anyone.  Which brings us to our final rule…

10.  Keep Your Feelings To Yourself – This is perhaps the most important rule of them all.  It has been an unspoken rule for a long time, so if you didn’t get the memo…nobody wants to know how mommy is feeling!  The baby is all that matters.  It may suck to feel tired, alone, overwhelmed, lost, angry, or the hundreds of other emotions that you will encounter for the next year as your hormones re-adjust (even longer if you’re nursing), but don’t bring everybody else down!  When you are struggling, simply say, “Everything is absolutely perfect!  I’ve never been happier!” so that other moms feel that they should do the same.  Maybe if you just repress any feelings of inadequacy, stress, or disconnectedness, it will all go away soon.  If anyone knew how you really felt, they would probably just think you are an unfit mother or it must mean you could hurt your child, so by all means…MUM is the word!

WARNING:  I hope it is clear that these ten tips above are my best attempts at satire.  Reading them this way I hope will seem so silly and often conflicting of each other, yet in our heads it seems very real.  Why do we self-impose these ideas on ourselves after having a baby, and why do we make others feel bad to make ourselves feel better?!  If you thought/think in any of these ways, don’t feel guilty about that either.  Your body recently went through a tremendous change, not to mention possibly the biggest lifestyle change.  Some moms will stay home, some will choose to go back to work, and others may have no other option but to return.  Some births and recoveries will be smoother than others.  My wish is for all moms to have her postpartum experience(s) to be full of respect, support, and truly helpful help the way she wants and needs.

Most importantly, Rule #10 needs to go!  Please speak honestly about how you feel so that other moms know they are not alone, and absolutely seek the help of doctors, therapists, specialists if you need it.  There is NO shame in that, but rather much strength in even speaking truthfully.  You know how airplane emergency directions tell you to put YOUR oxygen mask on before your child’s, so that you are able to help them at all?  This is true for ALL things motherhood.   Taking care of yourself in terms of happiness and health is the best thing you can do for your children.  So treat yo’self, and come back and laugh at this post in a year!

There were a few true statements in this post:

• You technically can’t spell “mothers” without “others”.
• That first birthday party WILL be here before you know it.
• Oh and yes, there really is laundry to do, girl!  A shit-ton of it.  But it can wait and/or others definitely can and should help!

Did you feel any of these ways after having babies, or was it just me?!  Make my day and leave me a comment below to let me know what you think or that you stopped by!

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