Milking Up For Lost Time Breastfeeding Journey

Happy World Breastfeeding Week to all! Whether you breastfed for any length of time, if at all, the goal of WBW is to “protect, promote, and support breastfeeding worldwide”. From August 1-7 each year, photos abound of nursing babes and moms in various forms to lend support to the idea of a global breastfeeding culture filled with education and support for all-things-lactation.

I recently aimed to join in this celebration by sharing photos of my breastfeeding relationship with my almost-two-year-old son, so I went in search through our photos since birth. I had anticipated I would find a few and share one each day on my Facebook – no big deal. Well, in true-to-form Mandy Evans fashion, I soon realized this wouldn’t be as straightforward as I imagined. Of course complex emotions quickly clouded this simple goal and I couldn’t stop the BITTERSWEET reflections that flooded me. In looking for a short story of my breastfeeding journey, my trip down memory lane came with some new realizations…

BITTER:

I barely have any photos of our breastfeeding! I mean, this is something I sort-of figured, but thought there were a few random shots floating around in our jump drive. So here I am, this huge breastfeeding lover that somehow missed the memo for oh, so long. It is quite jarring to look back and remember how different I am now from when I lacked confidence as a mother for a very long time. I have such wonderful memories of our nursing, but it is hard to swallow that we barely captured those moments in pictures.
Similarly, it was pretty stinky to see just how few pictures I have of myself in general during that first year of motherhood. I’m not sure what the word is for the feeling I felt at realizing this; partly anger that others didn’t think to document mommy and son for me, or take family shots of us when they were around. And naturally, anger at myself for not asking for such things. If I have to ask for something, I feel silly. People should just KNOW what I want. I need to surround myself with mind-readers, apparently. I had a lot going on and could barely function, so I often wish others would have cared for me more, in so many ways. I continue to work on that anger, regret, and unrealistic expectation, understanding that it was/is ultimately up to me to express myself.
And finally, I realized I was a big part of the reason I don’t have photos of me breastfeeding. It goes along with feeling dumb for asking, but I was afraid of what my husband or family would think of me for WANTING a breastfeeding photo. My husband and I totally get it now and wouldn’t hesitate to nurse-in-public or photograph anywhere, but things were much different at first. When I nursed my son for his first few months, everybody seemed to leave the room, or I would leave the room on my own. This isolating feeling did not help my postpartum depression at all. I remember folks bringing us dinners after we brought Reece home and I could tell how many people were uncomfortable when I started to unclasp my nursing bra. I clearly felt this sense of awkwardness and wondered if it was wrong of me to start nursing while a friend’s husband happened to be in the room? Or hesitated because a friend with children would ask them not to look. It wasn’t me who minded, but it took me awhile to get the hang of the dynamics. It felt like something I was supposed to keep away from others, so off to a different room I went anytime people were around. I tried using a cover, but I was already sweating profusely post-baby and Reece did not like that much either. I didn’t even want people to come over because it was just much easier for me to run around in a bra to nurse whenever/wherever baby wanted. I’m not sure I knew anyone from those early months that I felt would have eagerly taken a breastfeeding shot for me. They probably would have, but that was just my perception. I soon found awesome like-minded mommies that I wish I would have known earlier!

SWEET:

Thankfully, I was able to breastfeed without issue. Since I was plagued with many other complications following labor, I have a hard time truly remembering those early days. I cannot recall if breastfeeding fell into place easily for us, or if it simply hurt less (during the learning curve, I mean) than my infected incision and injured tailbone. Perhaps that was a good thing for me, that I really “latched on” to breastfeeding as my thing after a less-than-empowering birth. I was determined and on autopilot nursing while I dealt with those other issues. I originally aimed to breastfeed for at least a month, which turned into a 6-month goal, then I shot for a year. Now here we are pushing two years of successful nursing, which I never even imagined. I plan to soak up every single minute of breastfeeding Reece until whenever he and I are finished soon. (Standard crunchy mom answer: “You know, sometime before college…”)
After I went through all of the photos from birth until now, I found only these shots below in this post. My biggest realization turned out to have nothing to do with breastfeeding really: I was able to look through all of these photos with a smile on my face. Do you know how great that news is for me, friends?! Yes, I wish I had more of me, nursing and in general – but I no longer looked at those newborn photos through sad eyes. That was my fear for so long with PPD, that even the photos/memories would hurt forever. Somewhere throughout these past two years, time has changed my ability to look back on our journey fondly. Photos that were painful to me in the past have transformed into positive recollections. Hallelujer!

I guiltily admit that before having children, I did not understand why one would post a photo that revealed so much of them. Now, I cherish all breastfeeding photos because it DOES, indeed, reveal so much. It signifies an incredible love and cultivation of a relationship like no other. Each photo is a lasting memory of such a fleeting time. An image that captures the challenge and joy of an act that takes so much out of a woman, yet gives back even more. A still picture of raw life. The truth is that breastfeeding photographs ARE revealing, whether you even see much of a boob at all. Maybe that is why some people cannot handle the strong feelings they evoke.

Personally, learning to produce milk to sustain another human was one of the most incredible experiences I am fortunate to have. It was such an interesting ride that I wish I would have known I wanted to document better. I can still ~~milk~~ make up for lost time in breastfeeding photos now to cherish. I’ll never have my first entrance to motherhood again, but I will hopefully have a second child someday. I am excited that “next time” I will be prepared with more knowledge, a supportive community through birth and postpartum, and another chance to take/ask for any photographs I want. And I am NOT leaving the room like a leper ever again.

PROFESSIONAL PHOTOS MENTIONED BELOW:

MRS Photography – www.facebook.com/mrspiccys

Lindsey Welch Photography – www.lindseywelchphotography.com

The first breastfeeding photo I have is when Reece was 8 days old. You can still see my big ol’ mesh underwear since it least bothered my incision (which reopened two days later and things got much more difficult).

Reece was a month old and my cat, Hope, wouldn’t leave us alone. I have a lot of photos taken right AFTER a nursing sesh, but was hesitant to get any during-boob shots for some stupid reason.

The first time I asked hubby to take a breastfeeding shot of me. Reece was five months old.

Reece was 8 months old and thankfully my husband snuck this one in. I love remembering how his room was then, using a blanket to make it dark before I sewed his blackout curtains.

Although this doesn’t technically showcase breastfeeding, it registers in my head as such. Reece was 10 months and it was the first time I was able to nurse him in the Ergo carrier in public AND the first time he fell asleep that way around so many people.

Nursing at the pool at 10 months. I tried to cover up that summer…the next summer, no way!

Another room shot I’m so glad daddy took. This was the evening of Reece’s first birthday. It was a huge turning point in my PPD and I was overwhelmed with love for this boy. I love it, messy room and all.

Natural Living homemade product essential oil mom blog — Our first unplanned BFing photo taken by a professional around Reece’s one year birthday. Credit to Meghan with MRS Photography! Wonderful photo shoot memories here 🙂

Reece’s first Christmas, I left the room to nurse and not make my family uncomfortable. Here at the second Christmas with Reece…boom, in front of the tree. The room cleared, but he and I were happy.

When Reece was 1.5 years, daddy and I took him to see the DC Cherry Blossoms. I asked hubby to get some photos of us there. I have 4 breastfeeding photos here. Much more confident in myself by then.

Hubby took this amateur shot before the breastfeeding photo shoot, which you can see in the next photo…

I participated in the fabulous Lindsey Welch Photography’s “Breastfeeding by the Lake” Project. I was so excited to get to professionally capture another BFing moment with my 20-month old.

Oh what a difference a year makes, as I happily breastfed my 21-month old at the beach. No cover, no worries.

This is my necessary disclaimer that this blog is not meant to diagnose, treat, or cure. I am only a mom with an education background. I must let you know that any essential oils statements have not been evaluated by the FDA. I simply approve for myself and family of such things that I deem safe, effective, and positively life-transformative. I encourage you all to be informed and empowered with your health. Also, some of my posts may contain affiliate links. When you click them, you help me to cover a small portion of the cost of this blog. I appreciate your support so that I can continue to do what I love. Please note that I only ever endorse products that are in alignment with Odds & Evans’ ideals, my personal use, and those I believe would be of value to my readers.