My Toddler-Free Day

Today my husband went to visit his mom (Mimi) and took our son along so that I could have an ENTIRE day to myself.  A dream come true!  Just what I had been wanting! Here’s my chance!  This is going to be awesome!

…What do I do though?…

I have no freaking idea.

How come it is so easy for me to think about what I would TOTALLY do right now if I could, on the majority of the past two years as a stay-at-home mom? Now here it is and I stumble to figure it out.

The main reason I am putzing around at home without a plan is because I basically exhausted myself thinking of all the possibilities before I even got out of bed.  I was giddy in anticipation last night.

Oh boy, I can blog and watch some TV!  Yes, I can finally clean up without anybody around.  Man, I should definitely go shopping a bit!  Gosh, I can’t wait to finish that book and lay around in bed.  You know what, I’m going to wake up and meditate and do some yoga.  Whew, I can catch up on the laundry and finally call to make some overdue appointments. Maybe I’ll go to acupuncture!

I burnt myself out by brainstorming and suddenly no longer had any energy to do any of those things.  Blah.

This is no different than any day really though.  I have a penchant for expending most of my energy through my thoughts and emotions quickly in the morning.  As a #spiritjunkie and recovering pessimist, retraining my brain from ‘shoulds‘, ‘oughts‘, guilts, fears, and self-imposed stress is a tiring struggle!

So what actually happened on my toddler-free day?

My boys (big and little) woke me with a hug, kiss, “I love you”, and “see you for dinner”.  I returned the love before rolling over and going back to sleep.  Because why not?!  It wasn’t sound sleep.  I mostly was simply laying there.  I swore I could still hear baby and daddy downstairs SO MANY times.

I “woke up” again at 9am.  Shoot, the day is gone!  I blew it!  I may as well just keep laying here then and waste it all away.

I then tried to talk some sense into myself that a day does not end at 9am and that IT IS OK that I slept in.  Who cares?!

Ok, here we go…I’m going to go downstairs and figure out what to do.  

What was this horrible sound???

SILENCE.

I usually love silence and yearn for it when I can’t have it.  But looking it in the face this morning, silence made me sad.  Again, I’m a ridiculous, emotional over-thinker.  Who enters a silent room and thinks, “Oh my gosh, this is how it will be one day when Reece grows up!  My son is going to leave me! I should have enjoyed these moments more!”?

And you know who/what I blame for these thoughts?  All the damn motherhood articles I see on the Internet.  I don’t even read 75% of them, but in title alone I am immersed in them on Facebook.  I only allow myself to read a handful because mostly, they just make me feel bad.  I’m going to lose it if one more person tells me to enjoy it now while I can.  I’m trying my best. Every single day.  And that’s just going to have to be good enough.

Do you see this?  This all happens before I even enter the kitchen.  Sometimes I just get SO TIRED of myself.

Regroup again.  Coffee, yes, that’s the answer!  That’s what I’ll do today!

I had coffee in silence.  A banana in silence.  Allowed my inner uncomfortable feelings to just BE there, in silence.  And I decided to read a chapter of The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz.  Just the mindful inspiration I needed to quiet my mind.

Where’s my phone? I love/hate that thing.  Need to check it.

I remembered it was Wednesday and that I had a video of Reece saying, “Hump Day!” since he saw the camel commercial and says it randomly now.  I must #latergram that! Aww he’s the cutest!  Gosh, he’s the best.  I miss him 🙁  Come back home soon!  MOMMY MISSES YOU!

What day is it?? #toddlertricks #humpday

A video posted by Amanda Evans (@evans508) on Feb 25, 2015 at 6:10am PST

There, that’s enough silence.  Let’s turn on Pandora.  I’ll take 15 minutes to clean up this kitchen.  Without realizing it, I found myself dancing around and not thinking.  I love it when I realize that I’ve stopped thinking for a bit.  THAT is meditation to me, no matter where/how it happens.

And that’s really all the further I’ve gotten.  This post is as aimless as my day, but whether I accomplish anything today or not…it doesn’t matter.    I don’t know if I’m alone in struggling to know what to do each and everyday.  I mean, I’m well aware of all of my options each day, but this is why being a stay-at-home mom is difficult for me.  I loved the structure of my days at work, wherever I was.  As a teacher, I loved figuring out the schedule and sticking to it.  I need routine, but just a little bit of it or then I’m SMOTHERED!  I strive to give my son just the right amount of structure to healthily grow and thrive.  Some days we just get by and others we take by the horns.

Don’t you dare tell me what to do!  But somebody please tell me what to do?  Please?!

Rationally, I have a plan now.  I am going to eat lunch with a little computer time, then I am going to go shopping because all of my clothes are ten years old.  If there is time when I get back, I am going to watch another Game of Thrones episode.

Most of all though, my plan is to not have a plan.  Each moment will come and whatever I do, great.  I judge blowing around from one thing to the next as bad, but it is also a great reminder of how free we are each day.  To do and go wherever the wind takes us.  It is best to just set our sails accordingly.

They’ll be home again before I know it, and then gone again another day.  I love fully feeling the ebb and the flow.

In just a half-day alone to myself, I have found some clarity in my personal messy headspace.  More than I feel like conveying here, because I do not wish to give you one of those ‘step back and appreciate every mommy moment’ posts.  Breaks are necessary though, and healthy for everyone.

I am reminded of my pre-baby days today, which of course I didn’t fully appreciate then either.  Despite fleeting moments of wishing for a temporary re-do of that freedom, I am so incredibly grateful that tomorrow I get to wake up as a mother surrounded by the beautiful noise of whines and cries (and giggles and cool new words).  It’s nice to be reminded that THIS really is what I’ve always wanted.  Our days would be pointless without those we love.

And I CAN’T WAIT for them to get home tonight…and not just because they’re bringing home Chipotle for dinner.  

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